there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight