CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: when is it tho
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
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The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
“I’ll just check.”
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”
Two days have passed, no reply.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents