There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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BRAKING NEWS!!
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
21: Falls off second story balcony, laughs it off
51: “I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure it’s not supposed to hurt when you button your pants”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
incredible
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!