There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
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My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash