@MoistPork You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
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@MoistPork 
@sixfootcandy Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
@UnimpressedWU Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
@jus4golf 15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
@LizHackett You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
@SortaBad Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
@OhNoSheTwitnt Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
@kDuncanG Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
@Staggfilms Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
@Darlainky I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.