@Darlainky

There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.

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@sixfootcandy

Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.

Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.

@UnimpressedWU

Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…

[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?

@jus4golf

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!

@LizHackett

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

@SortaBad

Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”

@kDuncanG

Knuckle Tattoo Idea:

* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *

@Staggfilms

Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!

Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!

Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!

Boss:…

*our eyes lock and we kiss*

@Darlainky

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.