There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
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“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry