There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
[coming in second] Meh, I never cared about winning in the first place.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.