there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches