There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Message from the dog groomers
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
The Struggle
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
My toddler just spent five minutes explaining that he can’t use his imagination because he traded it to a kid at daycare for some fruit snacks. Ok, bro.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.