There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Hate it when I yawn and the soul of the ageless demon nestled within my heart screams shrilly, audible to the town down in the valley, causing villagers to quake in fear and begin preparing another sacrifice.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.