There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
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I had to Stop for this
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
2022 be like
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year