There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
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My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
John: Yesterday…
Paul: All my troubles seemed so far away
George: But now it looks…
Ringo: Waterslides hurt if they aren’t wet enough
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
My vet just texted me and asked for me to bring a sample of my cats “first pee of the morning” to her appointment tomorrow and I just have…so many questions. First of all: how. Second…what is morning to a cat??? Cats just..sleep whenever???
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.