There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
so this horse walks into a bar
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
🌱🌱🌱
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records