There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
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Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
🌱🌱🌱
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.