There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
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Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
*bites zombie*
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.