There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
You Might Also Like
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
It’s the weekend y’all
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.