@neat_hot

There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.

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@0hJuliette

Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉

@heykarlin

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

@hipchkk

I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”

@brandynmacd

My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.

@Torriable

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

@MisterD78UK

Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.

@JustASmirk

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.