Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
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I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.