There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
I’m making fish cakes covered in breadcrumbs. I’ve never been covered in breadcrumbs before, never mind made fish cakes.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.