There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
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*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness
Me: Wait. . . wh-what?
GF: I’m pregnant
Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.