@Shade510 Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
@JohnHilsen “There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
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@Shade510 
@browneyegirl9 My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
@Gorrdano You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
@BradfordPearson The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
@LaLuchaNix My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
@Rollinintheseat Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
@Reverend_Scott DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
@TheCiscoKidder My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
@TragicAllyHere My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
@CVTBaby I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.