“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
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The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
ouch
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
You: “Call me crazy but..”
Me: “Okay, you’re crazy.
Wow-I’m really good at this!”
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.