There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
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[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
my son the little archaeologist informed me that he could tell a remote control he found was ancient because it had a button for PS3
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!