There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
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Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?
Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Thursday Thought.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
work smarter, not harder
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog