there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
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[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: I was going too fast?
Cop: Yes, you’ll get brain freeze
Me: [eats ice cream slower]
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
4-year-old: My friend said when it rains, that’s God crying.
Me: I don’t know about that.
4: Is God sad because you smell like feet?
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌