There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
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IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
At least try to make it slightly believable
Autocorrect doesn’t recognize my gangsta nature.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned