There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
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[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
this is the news I live for
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
How funny!
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old