There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
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I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep
Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I can tell she’s pissed, the floors look amazing.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
huge if true: the moon
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
i shouldn’t have written “never change” in all those boys’ yearbooks in high school, seems like some of them took my advice
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.