There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
You Might Also Like
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos