There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Before & after 😅
Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?
Wedding Planner: what
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.