There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
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Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
no one likes gloating
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me