There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
“Then, the handsome prince sees her dead body laying there and has to kiss her.”
“Ummm, what?”
“Trust me, the kids will love it.”
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
So my kid finally stopped falling for the fake throw.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Meanwhile in Canada…
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I am a gravy boat captain