there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
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I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”