There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
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[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”