There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
You Might Also Like
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
so i’m at the stock market right
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.