There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
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Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.