There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
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Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.