There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions