There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
Babe what’s wrong, you don’t like pumpkin spice wartime election eclipse hurricane season?
Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!
In 2025: Shit.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”