There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
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Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
her: what’s your last name?
me: it’s French
her: that’s nice dear, but what is it?
me: no my last name is literally just French.
her: oh how fun, do you speak French?
me: idk do you speak Johnson, Barbara?
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*