There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
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I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.