There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
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[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Last time I saw my boyfriend he was getting on a plane to Helsinki. You might say he vanished into Finnair.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.