There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
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Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
absolute chaos
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
[during a huddle in a crucial ice hockey match]
ME: Ok listen up guys[all the other players look at me]
ME: Is….is anyone else cold?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.