There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
You Might Also Like
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.