@mzeld

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

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@bartandsoul

Me: I have a Black Belt

Her: Karate?

Me: Faux leather. 40”

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@david8hughes

[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water

@rahtzee

*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges

@xLoneManWalking

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

@XennDad

My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship

@raoulvilla

Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight

My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?

@ohpegah

*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog

@sarousti

Definition of Insomnia:

Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone