There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?
King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.