There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
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Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*
GF: What are you doing?
Me: Making myself look big
Bear: Well hi
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.