There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
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[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
We all have our pet causes.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
angel: “greetings. do not be afraid. you will conceive and bring forth a son”
me: “thank you so much for reaching out! is this a paid opportunity?”
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party