There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
Just me and my debit card against the world
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
”This is my last chance” I whisper to myself, as we sit on the couch cuddling and I stare at that one slice of pizza left in the box
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine