There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
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[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
absolutely not
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.