There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
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It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.