There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
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Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
*looks at you in batman voice*
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you