There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
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Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
Breaking news:
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”