There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
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him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Did I do this right
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Happy Caturday!
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.