There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
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“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
[shark tank]
ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap
HOST: have you considered the bible belt
ME: yes we predict good sales there
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.