There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My career as a mortician ended when I couldn’t hear the word succumb without giggling.
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.