There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
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Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
We often get asked if we take money to promote products. Absolutely not, we always say no as that would stain our reputation. The kind of stain only Persil non bio could get out, even at low temperatures.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Support your local cemetery
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
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Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Spring of Deception
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In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.