There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
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him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
I don’t like to brag about my cat-like reflexes.
That said, could someone please call for help?
I got startled and am stuck in a tree.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
My 3-year old daughter said “Daddy I love you” and when I was responding “thanks I love you too” she interrupted me to be like “also I love EVERYTHING.” I’m on the same level as an air fryer
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
I once had a tweet go bacterial.