There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
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the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching