There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
You Might Also Like
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!We will we will drink you
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!
STOMP! STOMP! CLAP!*pours vodka after bad day*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You know the jack in a box that scared the life out of you when you were a child? That’s me as an adult cooking with my smoke detector
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
This is what makes twitter great
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
This is true.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo