There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
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The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
Morning my dudes.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
When you take Google Maps too seriously.